I Am Not Worthy

Everywhere I look and see these days I feel that I am being called to evangelize. I feel very comfortable being given that role, but. . . .

I don’t feel that I am worthy. Who am I? I’m an older, white, female (you notice that I didn’t say “elderly”). What do I have to offer? True, I have stories but I don’t have that one story that catapults me to the role of evangelist.

But then I hear this at Mass this morning:

“Jesus did not read the scripture, He let the scripture read Him . . . Let the scripture read you too.” Fr. Darrell

I am a firm believer that the Holy Spirit is in my life. There have been times that I do a very good job at something, and I know, for a fact, that the Holy Spirit is responsible. But I also know, that there are times that I work very hard at something. And although I believe that the Holy Spirit is there with me, it’s not all about Him. I’ve had some input into my accomplishments. In my life, it’s like I’ve always owned the things that didn’t go right but have always waived the things that did go right. I give credit for those things to anyone who has helped me, or to the Holy Spirit. I do appreciate it when those who are winning awards say, “First, I would like to give all glory to God”. I usually give myself credit way down the list. Honestly, I don’t think like that. Honestly, I think “Man, I have worked hard on this. I sure hope that somebody notices.” And when they do I’m all like “shucks, Ma’am, twernt nothin’.” But inside, I’m all like “you got that right, sister, it’s all about me!”

So, let’s get back to the evangelization thing. I’m Catholic. We don’t evangelize. Why would we even want to? That could have something to do that I’m a cradle Catholic, raised in a very dominant Catholic community. It could be that I was never around anyone who ever evangelized, other than a preacher here or there. There was no need to evangelize. We would have been preaching to the choir.

But, as I have gone through life I have found myself in the middle of an opportunity to evangelize and I’ve missed the opportunity. Or I’ve discounted what I had to say. That’s it more than anything, I’ve discounted what I have to say. And those who know me know that I have a lot of something to say. So, . . .

I think the shingle will be hung out. I’m giving you all fair warning. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan on preaching. I don’t plan on getting my soap box and letting you know of the evil you do and the wonders that I do. That’s not going to happen. But I am going to live my life out loud. I intend to look for opportunities to tell you of my beliefs and my perspective on faith. I think I’ve earned that.

I have often told myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say. But then I look at places where people have wanted to hear what I have to say. They’ve asked. Or they’ve commented on something that I’ve said. And, something else. I have an awful lot of life experience. Things have happened in my life, that has brought me my stories. I’ve lived a pretty full life, a pretty good life, a faith-filled life. No, I don’t have a story of conversion. There was no need for that. My stories are of the journey of life, of faith. And it’s the story with the Holy Spirit by my side. Sometimes I knew it, and lots of times I didn’t have a clue. But there are reasons that I am still here when there are times I look back and by all rights I shouldn’t still be here. I do give that credit to my guardian angel, or the Holy Spirit. I know it’s because of divine intervention.

I have often felt that God had a plan for me. Maybe I haven’t been ready. Maybe I keep looking in the wrong places for His plan. I do know that if I do as He tells me to do that He will reveal his plan for me, in His time. Maybe he’ll do that when I’m 80. I hope that He does it before then because I would really like to enjoy it.

So, Fr. Darrell, I’m going to continue to read the scriptures and maybe I’ll let the scriptures read me. Maybe that is part of the plan.

Get ready, because I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

Cynthia Elder